18 Years in Heaven

I pray that this remembrance of God's faithfulness and goodness 

is of some encouragement to someone today!  

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Susannah Patience Bowes . . . 

 . . . one of our 12 precious gifts from the Lord (6th in birth order) would have been 18 today! 

I still remember that day so clearly.  It was a Monday, and I had been busy preparing for our family's fun, week-long, California beach get-a-way.  We were planning to head out just after my routine OB check-up.  Since my 32 week pregnant belly was measuring larger than expected, they decided to do a quick ultrasound to check on things.  We lived in Flagstaff, AZ at the time, which is a fairly small town with a smaller OB office, where the doctor actually did the ultrasound.  I can distinctly remember him scanning Susannah's little body taking note of the shape of her little hands, 

and that there did not appear to be any concerns. 

I was so happy and so excited! Susannah was so special, after nearly 5 years of waiting on the Lord for His blessing of my womb once again (and without any fertility help this time!) and after a rough start to the pregnancy with some questions about whether or not she was going to live.

But on my way out the door that day at 32 weeks pregnant, I mentioned that I hadn't been feeling her move much over the weekend.  So they decided it might be a good idea to do a non-stress test on her which involved putting a belt monitor around my pregnant belly and watching a little screen give a read-out of Susannah's movements and heart rhythm.  We were watching that line scroll across the screen, looking for a normal rise and fall . . .instead it was mostly flat.  They thought maybe if I drank a little cold, sugary juice that might wake her up and get her heart-rate going. But nothing we tried helped, and it became quickly apparent that Susannah was in serious trouble.  

They told me I needed to go immediately over to the hospital for an emergency C-section, and within a couple hours, we were holding our precious Susannah in our arms.   

And a few hours after that, I was facing burial decisions and planning for her memorial service. 

So thankful that we had the Lord to cling to during this time.  

Although, I do remember going through a test of my faith as I struggled 

to believe that there was good in this for any of us.  

In the days and weeks that followed, I grieved greatly and wrestled with God over her loss.

I truly wanted to escape the reality and run from the deep pain.

In all honesty, I wanted to run from the Lord, who had allowed this to happen. But where would I go?

As I persevered in my crying out to Him for relief from the pain and for a renewed hope in life, 

He kept bringing this portion of Psalm 139 to my mind . . . 

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. 

You hem me in - - behind and before;

you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain. 

Where can I go from your Spirit? 

Where can I fell from your presence? 

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths your are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." 

He truly walked with me through my darkest days and led me out of the depths of my despair. 

Had I not had this experience, I would not know the depths of His love and faithfulness toward me.  

And for that, I will always be thankful!  

Another verse that jumped off the pages during this time in my life was: 

Isaiah 55:8-9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

 There is also a footnote in my Bible (one of the last ones in the book of Job) that was especially meaningful to me.  It says, "God does not allow us to suffer for no reason, and even though the reason may be hidden in the mystery of his divine purpose -- never for us to know in this life -- 

we must trust in him as the God who does only what is right." 

I can say that this experience drove me closer to the Lord than could have ever been accomplished without my suffering.  

And each year on Susannah's birthday, it is such a good reminder of God's amazing grace, mercy and steadfast love for His children, whatever we are going through! 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

"May they always say, 'The Lord be exalted, who delights in the well-being of his servant.' " 

Psalm 35:27b 

A sweet little testimony of the Lord's tender loving care  . . . 

While preparing to leave the hospital after delivering Susannah, someone brought a little postcard-looking picture in to me that had been hanging outside of my hospital door.  I looked at the picture on the front which was of a little white cactus flower.  On the back of the picture it said,

"The Sego Lily lives for only a short time in the early spring or summer. From a small bulb grow thin frongds, followed my a delicate blossom.  During its tiny life span, the Sego Lily graces the world with its beauty, and we remember it for the joy it gave through its being." 

When I asked the nurse about what this picture postcard wall all about, she told me that the nurses place these cards on room of mothers who have just experienced the loss of their babies.  This is their way of letting all the hospital staff know that the mother inside the room is grieving over the loss of her baby.  Though this little card was a routine signal to the hospital staff, it truly touched my heart in a very special way.  

You see, the name "Susannah" is from the Hebrew name "Shoshannah" which means "a lily." 

When I read the back of the lily picture card that day, I felt as though the Creator of that beautiful cactus lily and my sweet Susannah, reached down to comfort me . . .as only a loving Father can do!